Fear over Faith

This is the blog I couldn't write for years. The subject that was always the hardest and that I tend to shy away from. The biggest fear I have.

Fear can hold you back.

Fear can paralyze you.

Fear can control you.

Fear has been an idol in my life. Particularly in the area of children. When my husband and I were dating we had "that conversation". You know the conversation of "how many kids do you want". Don't act like you haven't thought about it. (I'm serious). When I told him I didn't want to have children you would have thought I told him I didn't want children to exist in the world. He was shocked and seemed disappointed that there was something we actually disagreed on. My dear husband has always dreamed of having a family he can care for, love on and ultimately teach sports too. ;) He definitely values children and has always desired a family with the idea of children. Now, I am not saying that I do not value children. But when I told him I didn't want to have them I was ultimately saying that my fear is greater than my trust in the Lord.

I can't remember when my fear started or where it stemmed from. I remember telling my roommate at the time, who also didn't understand why I wouldn't want to have children, and she just sat and prayed with me, and cried with me. A lot of woman are vocal about their desire to have children and how they desire to have them sooner than later. I'm usually shying away from those conversation or changing the subject because it would typically lead me to tears at the thought that I didn't have those same strong desires. I wrestled with this frustration, and fear for a long time. If I'm honest I still do. However now, I realize that back then when I would say I didn't want to have children it was really my fear saying I'm scared to have children. I truly desire to have a family of my own. I have a whole Pinterest board dedicated to those dreams and desires. But when that fear creeps in, it literally wrecks my heart and paralyzes me to even think about actually having them. So my "simple" reaction is I don't want to have them. When that is the farthest from the truth. The "what if's" creep into my mind. What if I can't have them? Will my husband and family still love me? What if i'm a terrible mother? What if I fail? To be clear, my husband is not pressuring me to have children today or tomorrow. But, sometimes, when the conversations start and the "baby" word is said, I clench up and am literally brought to tears of the idea that I may not be able to give him the children we both desire. I remember when I told my husband about these fears for the first time and he told me he would love me either way and that he was trusting in the Lord for His plan. If I'm honest, at that time I'm not sure if I believed him.

I wrestled with this fear. Pleading, and asking for answers. Shoot, I think I demanded answers as if that's the way God works. You know, throw a fit over something I cannot control and God will just let me peek into a glimpse of His plan. Yeah right. Pretty sure my mind couldn't handle a tiny glimpse of His perfect plan.

How could I truly believe the Lord to be faithful in all areas of my life EXCEPT this one? This was the little piece that I couldn't give to the Lord. This deep fear and insecurity that I kept holding onto, and bottling inside. In my case, fear ultimately became an idol. I was a slave to these thoughts and feelings. Jesus didn't die on the cross so that I could be controlled by this fear.

To set the record straight I do enjoy babies and children. Sure, I may not know every little thing about them and yes, sometimes I cry when I hold them. Okay, that happened once. (sorry baby Grey). But the reality is that my heart is so wrecked by those fears that I miss out on the JOY because I'm choosing fear. I'm choosing to not trust that no matter what happens, children or not, God is enough and if that is not in His plan for us I will embrace what He does have planned for us. I will lean into that and know its all for His glory. I need to remind myself of that truth when the fear creeps in. If I'm being honest, It happens more than I let people think. Its an internal struggle that I am bringing to light, knowing that my God is bigger than my fears and frustration. I want to chase after the Lord choosing Joy even in the unknown. I want His desires to be my own, while I fully trust in Him.

Most of all, what I'm learning with my husband right now in this season is that we want to be content where we are. Not to worry or stress on the what if's but to sit, and soak and truly enjoy where the Lord has brought us in this moment and to continue to choose Faith over fear.

from my heart,
Danielle